


more of the same

by ToxicPineapple



Series: platonic oumeno drabbles [4]
Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Conversations, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Late Night Conversations, Platonic Relationships, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-12 13:26:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21477118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToxicPineapple/pseuds/ToxicPineapple
Summary: it's too quiet to be talking right now, that's what himiko thinks. they're sitting in the library, have been for the past couple hours, so it would be quiet anyway, but the silence is blaring right now because it's so early in the morning. late in the evening. (there's really no distinction between the two.) there's a sort of impenetrable silence about this time of night, a weird taboo feeling she gets every time she sets about breaking it. strangely, though, it's only ever been when she's broken those silences that she and kokichi have really talked. which is unquestionably a strange thing to say about one's best friend.---himiko is pretty sure nothing is ever going to change.
Relationships: Oma Kokichi & Yumeno Himiko
Series: platonic oumeno drabbles [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1567168
Comments: 6
Kudos: 34





	more of the same

**Author's Note:**

> suicide tw :/ no actual suicide takes place in this fic but that's what they're talking about
> 
> par for the course by now
> 
> this is a vent hddhdh if you're episodic i really recommend not reading this

"i think if i was to stop living, right now, that'd be okay." himiko mumbles.

next to her, kokichi shifts, and his gaze flutters over to land on her, but his expression doesn't change, and she doesn't meet his eyes. she focuses in front of herself instead, on an unimportant spot on the wall, and stares so hard her eyes cross and everything turns blurry and green and she has to blink to erase dull throbbing in the middle of her forehead.

it's too quiet to be talking right now, that's what himiko thinks. they're sitting in the library, have been for the past couple hours, so it would be quiet anyway, but the silence is blaring right now because it's so early in the morning. late in the evening. (there's really no distinction between the two.) there's a sort of impenetrable silence about this time of night, a weird taboo feeling she gets every time she sets about breaking it. strangely, though, it's only ever been when she's broken those silences that she and kokichi have really talked. which is unquestionably a strange thing to say about one's best friend.

"i can't say i agree." kokichi muses after a moment. "but y'know, i'm curious about why you'd say so."

himiko shrugs, wooden joints rolling up and down with a tug of a string. "i don't see the appeal in continuing to exist. it's like i'm staring out at a landscape of grey and everything behind me is grey and no matter where i turn there's just more greyscale." she looks down at her knees, bent and tucked in, furrows her brow as she fusses with loose threads on her leggings. "i don't have the energy to kill myself. but if i died, i'd be alright with that."

"maybe." kokichi hums. "maybe you'd be okay with it. right now you think that whatever ideas of death that you have would be more bearable than continuing to go through the motions. but if it actually happens, you might not actually be alright with it. or what comes next might be even worse."

"yeah." himiko sighs. kokichi's not gonna baby her, or feed into her depressive tendencies. sometimes he might, if he's feeling similarly suicidal (at which point venting would be discouraged on her part) but he isn't, right now, that himiko can tell. if he was, then he wouldn't bother saying this to her. "i think i'm willing to take that chance, though."

another moment stretches out between them, a small infinity, while kokichi gathers his thoughts enough to reply. meanwhile himiko grinds her left molars, a nasty habit but one she doesn't care to break, while counting the pink strands in the carpet beneath her. kokichi says, "it might just be more of the same."

and that's something himiko really hasn't thought about, that is, death being exactly like life. more motions for her to move through, more meaningless choices to make and unimportant things she has to put inordinate amounts of effort into. life is a pain, dragging herself out of bed every morning and eating food and talking to people is absolutely exhausting and pointless. every interaction is the same, anyway, every joke another variation of the same joke told in a different format, in a different context.

they're all just different combinations of the same. alternate versions of the same set of parts. every joke and every song and every story is just some new way to spice up the same old, same old. himiko is young, sixteen, but she's tired of it all already. she feels like she's seen enough. she's been playing the game for too long, she knows all the cheat codes. she's ready to be done with it.

"i think even if that was the case," himiko chews her lip. "i'd rather be faced with it a second time with the knowledge that i tried to escape than keep living an empty life without making any attempts at breaking the cycle."

"you're happy sometimes, though." kokichi responds, and himiko looks at him then. he's tired. not because of the hour (this isn't anything new for them) but the conversation topic. she can't imagine how much this must suck, trying to convince her not to idealise death so much. himiko bites the inside of her cheek and looks away, wondering if she should just drop it and pretend.

he'd know, though, he'd know without trying, and he'd probably be mad at her if she did.

"you have good moments too. is it worth it to give up on those because of the bad ones?"

quietly, himiko says, "it's not the bad moments i want to get rid of. it's the ones that are all the same." the ones where she tries doing a magic trick and can't get to the end of it because _she's not a mage anyway, that's just another dumb childish story, magic isn't real, it's just a stupid trick, _and what's the point of doing the same trick a thousand times over when she already knows how it's executed? "i just want to stop feeling so empty all the time."

kokichi is silent. it's rare that he doesn't know what to say, but they've talked like this before. it's hard to help himiko when she's like this. she feels bad about it, but she can't help it. she's just so tired of this, of everything, and she can't bring herself to lie to him.

she considers doing so anyway, after a moment, because he's been silent for a while, but then he speaks again.

"i know." he sighs, and sounds defeated enough that himiko zips her lips shut and leans against him, allows him to slide an arm around her shoulders even though he can't make himself look at her anymore.

they don't say anything else. there's nothing else to say, actually; it would all just be more of the same.

**Author's Note:**

> posting vents on main? tox doesn't have rights ig 😔✊
> 
> sorry gamers we uhhhh having some Times yknow
> 
> venting using himiko??? on MY family friendly about to be demonitised youtube channel? never.


End file.
